6/8/2008

I started to lose my religion near the end of my time in high school. It had been headed downhill earlier than that, but this was the time it actually began to feel different, like everything I had learned was decaying. I used to attend a small town Baptist church with my grandmother, and I often went to Sunday School. There are old pictures of me as a small boy standing in front of my grandparents' house, dressed in tiny black slacks with a white dress shirt and necktie. I was never the stereotypical "Jesus Freak," but I really did enjoy going to church. The teachings were the water, and I was the sponge. I have always been an inquisitive person, but for some reason or other, I never really thought to question my family's belief system until my mid-teenage years. Once I did, it was a bit like an avalanche in my head. The more I picked away at it, the more questions I had. At one point, I became interested in alternate religions. It wasn't so much that I wanted a replacement. That wasn't the case at all. What I was really looking for was an outside perspective for my own comparison. I was a bit surprised to realize the underlying similarities between most of the world's major religions. To this day, I still don't have things completely sorted out in my head, but I did come to terms with it. These days, I generally identify myself as an agnostic, although I'm not sure if that is entirely accurate. Labels tend to cheapen things, and this typically applies to all aspects of life. I do still believe there is a God. While I no longer subscribe to any particular belief system, I have no problem with those who do. In actuality, I view religion as somewhat of a necessity. Religion should be personalized, not mass-produced and issued to everyone. Every friendship between two people is different, and a spiritual relationship with a higher power of one's own choosing should be no different. People need something to believe in, something to cling to during those trying times. I admit it is a comforting thought. I don't think the majority of the population is ready to know for a fact that there is no God, no afterlife, no reason for being, and most of all, no repercussions. The world is harsh, and it needs a father figure. A big one. It takes a lot of self-determination to be able to cope without it. Is it that I am stronger than most, or am I just looking through a different lens? I cannot answer that. I recently prayed and talked to God for the first time in... Who even knows how long? Ultimately, it was of absolutely no avail, which didn't exactly help to steer me back toward a life beneath the shadow of a holy cross. As far as I know, I am the only person in my entire family who has openly stepped outside the comfortable confines of spirituality. I really see no end in sight for the path I walk. I don't know where I am, nor do I know where I am headed, but I've done it on my own. And I think that counts for something.